Stella

It’s amazing how much incredible potential awaits us when we’re intentional about how we meet with disappointments and challenges. There’s an opportunity to either open ourselves up to a different, unplanned possibility or to respond with resistance. It sounds pretty simple when you put it that way, but when emotions are involved, choosing the former is easier said than done in the moment.

I met with a disappointment recently that was just so… visceral. Meaning that it tapped into all my little kid stuff. I really wanted to cry about it, even though to an onlooker (which I decided to be at the time) it might not have seemed like a big deal. I did, however, lend myself some grace by acknowledging that it was incredibly disappointing. And, the source of said letdown didn’t even have a valid reason for seriously raining on my parade, which almost added to my little kid reaction of being angry and resentful.

Well, maybe it did for a minute. And I’m okay with that.

But, ‘the thing’ clearly wasn’t meant to be, I decided. It was an appointment for some serious self-care that I’ve been kicking the tires on for literally months. Not like a hair or nail appointment, mind you. Those are low on the list these days. This was to address, in a beautiful, sanctuary-like setting, a core physical issue from giving birth (six years ago) that I just haven’t had the time or resources to address yet.

So maybe I’ve been kicking the tires on it for more than a few months.

I arranged childcare (which I almost never do), someone to feed the forty-ish horses where I live so I could take the entire afternoon to myself…

Anyway, the point is that it cut very deep in this weird way to have this symbolic thing canceled, and seemingly so carelessly.

With an afternoon all to myself suddenly (which again, pretty much never happens) I was truly stumped about what I would do with my newfound free time.

Take a nap? Clean my house? Exercise? Really rather underwhelming choices given the nature of my original plan. So, I opened myself up and decided to not try and figure it out, but rather let it come to me.

About a day later, I received a message from the owner of the ranch where I live, Dawn, asking if I’d like to do a horseback riding session with her. To give context, I live on this amazing horse ranch and care for the horses here on a regular basis and I’m very intimately connected with them. I love them. It’s like having 40 of the most amazing relationships you can imagine, right outside my front door.

Interestingly, though, I don’t actually ride horses that often. Something I’m intending to remedy.

What’s more, Dawn isn’t just a Teacher of Horsey Things. She’s… tuned in. Profoundly intuitive (which I’m convinced has something serendipitous to do with this story). She’s fabulously connected in and a power for good in the universe. And, any time spent with her just has this way of elevating you from a deep place – like standing in a beautiful, grassy field with the wind blowing over you and the sun on your face on a spring day. I love her too.

Perfect! It wasn’t my first lesson of course, but in a way, each one feels like the first time if you’re open to that possibility.

In the past, I’ve come into these sessions with an idea of what I might like to chat about, learn about, etc. (because it’s really not just about learning how to ride, there is so, so much more happening in these times). But in this case, I honestly didn’t even have the bandwidth to make that decision, so I decided to not decide and just come in completely open.

I worked with a horse named Stella, Dawn’s suggestion and again, serendipitous. She’s a Belgian draft mare, which means that she is very, very large. We already have a relationship that I love being a part of, but up until this time it’s been about canoodling (she’s very affectionate) and being the one to bring her her dinner a few days out of the week.

Prior to coming to the ranch, Stella was all by herself for five years. No other horses, no other herd mates (like goats, sheep, or cows)… Really one of the worst circumstances for a horse as they need to have herd members in order to feel safe in the world. It’s just how they’re created and the herd dynamic is a truly beautiful one.

Horses have this profound ability to reflect back to us what’s happening internally – even things we aren’t aware of. They show us how we’re showing up in the world, and it’s completely unbiased, unfiltered feedback. What a gift.

I began the session with Stella with what’s called ‘groundwork,’ which means establishing a connection with everyone’s feet on the ground, i.e. walking and maneuvering to enter into a new kind of communication and… create connection. In our case, it was in a new context from our usual ‘barn relationship.’

What I immediately encountered was that my giant friend, with her giant feet, was not only happy to walk with me, but wanted to walk really close, as in a few inches. And, with her giant head on my shoulder. I love Stella, but this was proving to be challenging, was generally awkward, and I could feel my ankles and toes cringing with each step (of hers).

Interesting. I’m no rookie to horses, and if it had been a horse I didn’t know as well it might have been easier to ask/tell her to give me space. It probably would have. But for some reason, not only did I not put my finger on the fact that she was too close right away, once it was pointed out to me I found myself fumbling a bit regarding what to do about it. Also interesting.

Maybe because she’s such a dear friend? Because I have empathy for her and love her and just want her to be happy and feel safe? And yet ironically, what was going to make Stella feel the most safe in that situation was me taking charge (because horses need us to do so) and setting some… boundaries.

Oh, that word.

It was pointed out to me in a loving and oh so very insightful way that based on what I’d shared while giving Stella a good brush down prior to our work together, I’m struggling with… setting boundaries in a significant relationship with a friend. In fact, it’s been very, very consuming and disheartening. I’ve been allowing it to cloud the rest of my life, including my mood and productivity. How awful. And unnecessary.

And really, if I think about it, it’s not just that one relationship. I realize that I struggle similarly, as do most parents, with setting boundaries with my child at times (because yes is so much easier than no sometimes) but in reality, that’s what makes her feel safest and most held.

Once I ‘got permission’ (meaning I just needed to be reminded of what I already know) to let Stella know where I wanted her to be, we entered into this very sweet communion. We were walking in step, close but not too close, and with an intimate awareness of one another and our bodies in space together.

And, once it was time to actually ride together, the communion just continued. It’s a dance of communication and connection between two living beings that don’t speak exactly the same language, but who kind of do if the intention is there and the time is put in.

I walked away from that time feeling like I’d just taken ten naps (significant for a single mom running a business and working a ranch). So much lighter, so grateful for the insight gained. I learned that staying in confusion and slight frustration over poor boundaries that I’m allowing isn’t productive. And, not only do I know what to do about it (although I forget that I do sometimes), I should do something about it. It’s just better for everyone.

Thank you, Stella.